The beginning.

The three things I am struggling with are:

Faith.

Fertility.

Fitness.

In my opinion, those are the three most important things in a woman's life.

My faith is struggling. I live in Germany. I have been living in Germany since May 2013, and I haven't been a part of a church or a Christian community since then. Not only that, I have been struggling with the second "F", fertility. Which has made me feel abandoned, betrayed, and angry against God, my savior. I know that's the wrong thing to say, please don't judge me. God should be who I turn to in times of trouble. However, I know I will have a child, someday... in God's timing. How many times have I heard that? Too many.

More about my faith. I grew up in a Christian family and I went to a Christian school until I was 18. you would think I would have all the answers and full security in my relationship with Jesus Christ. Well, I don't. I struggle, I feel insignificant, and I actually get jealous of people who seem to have a "perfect" relationship with God. But because of my education, I know why I don't.... because I don't read my Bible enough. I want to have a completely honest relationship with someone about their relationship with Christ. Stop pretending that you're perfect. Stop pretending you have all the answers--no one does. Stop pretending you have it all together. I just want everyone to get real.

About getting real. Let's get real about real life struggles. One of my is fertility. I always thought it would be easy to start a family.I mean, it took my mom, what, 1 month to get pregnant all six times she was pregnant? It just seemed so easy. Well, that's not the case for me. My husband and I got pregnant in June 2013 (after trying for a few months), and miscarried only 6 weeks later. I couldn't believe how attached I became to a six week old baby. It was devastating. However, I quickly recovered, delved into fitness and hoped for the best in our next pregnancy. After charting for months, I became pregnant again in February 2014. It was so exciting. My sister had just become pregnant, and after months of delving into fitness my body was ready for pregnancy. Well, after planning a baby room and enjoying the triumph of telling my sister, I had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. I didn't know what a missed miscarriage was until I had one myself. I didn't have any symptoms. I felt great, I wasn't bleeding, everything was fine. Until I went to my 10 week appointment and the doctor didn't find a heartbeat. I just couldn't believe it. At 8 weeks the doctor had found a strong heart beat... what could have gone wrong it just two weeks? I had a D&C at the end of April 2014, which was especially terrifying, because I live in a small German town. The nurses don't know English, and I had to wait in the hospital for 10 hours before I could have a small little surgery to take the dead baby out of my uterus. How comforting.
I kept asking... why? Why God? Why are you doing this to me? What is my purpose? Why is God making it difficult for me to have a child? It's so easy for so many women. Am I getting punished for something? Is God trying to make me a tenacious, persevering believer? I just don't understand, and I never will. My parents divorced when I was in middle school, and I thought that would be the most difficult, angry part of my life. Struggling to have children doesn't even compare.

FITNESS! The only thing that has kept me "semi sane" since moving to Germany and failing to carry a baby to term. In January 2014, my husband and I really ramp't up our fitness regime with T25-a Beachbody program. It helped to keep my mind off of getting pregnant, and to give me a purpose while living in Germany. I do not have job, which makes my life an absolute bore. Really, my life consists of Netflix, my adorable dog Jethro, working out, cooking, and trying to get pregnant. Thankfully, fitness has been more successful than fertility. My husband has lost 70 lbs and I have lost 20 lbs. All thanks to home fitness, pure determination, living by the mountains, and learning to cook.

By myself I can do nothing; I judge only as I hear, and my judgment is just, for I seek not to please myself but him who sent me.
John 5:30